Science Missed an Across-the-Board Miracle Drug!

Joe Bloggins

I don’t know how science could have missed it all these years, but there has been a miracle drug under it’s nose. My research indicates a surprisingly well-known drug called aplacebo has been showing very consistent results on any number of ailments.

Sadly, aplacebo has not shown dramatic results in one category, compared to drugs using more complex names, but the magic lies in it’s ability to make small increases in literally thousands of categories.

While Advil may have a 47% success rate helping people suffering from a headache, aplacebo has only 27%. Sounds dim, right? Not exactly. Because advil does nothing for acne, while aplacebo has a 15% positive affect. Aplacebo has also seen remarkably small but consistent improvements in male lobedo, hair removal, various rashes (it can be used as a cream!), near-sightedness (didn’t work so well for far-sightedness for some reason) and too many other categories to mention.

*Photo by, Creative Commons

On a low-carb diet? Aplacebo will kill all carb cravings within seconds. It has a 100% improvement rate on carb cravings. One-hundred percent!

I spoke with Dr. Heathro Marblestein, a doctor who sat next to me on the subway, about the miracle drug and was surprised that even he didn’t understand the remarkably broad implications of this overlooked drug.

“It’s sugar!” He finally exclaimed after my bombardment of statistics.

Sugar? Sugar??

There you go. So forget all the bad things you read about sugar. Want a 10% improvement in night blindness? Sprinkle a little aplacebo on your morning cereal. Bowells backed up? Eat a packet of aplacebo to your coffee. Or just eat a snickers. It’s loaded in aplacebo. Carb cravings? Pour one-half cup of aplacebo into your Atkins shake.

You’ll thank me. Science has my number. Sometimes it takes a genius to point out the obvious.

Joe Bloggins

Joe Bloggins

Donald MIller met Joe Bloggins in the stands at an NBA basketball game. After hearing Joe talk sincerely about how the moon landing never happened, Don thought Joe should blog for us. We hope you enjoy. Make sure to follow along on Twitter (@BlogginsJoe).