Why It Doesn’t Matter How You Feel About Your Friends

My husband and I were talking in the car the other day, and he said something about a friend of ours. He said, “She’s really good at being a friend.”

And in the silence, we were thinking of a couple people we love very much but who, frankly, are not so good at being friends.

They are our friends, certainly.

Which means we share history and care about one another and are always happy to see each other, but when it comes down to it, they don’t DO what good friends DO very often.

And, of course, that led us into a conversation about all the ways we don’t always DO what good friends DO either. Because it doesn’t matter how you feel in your heart about your friends—what matters is showing those feelings through words and actions.

Photo Credit: Vanessa Porter, Creative Commons

Aaron had a college professor who said over and over, “It doesn’t matter how much you love your kids. What matters is communicating that love in a way that they can understand and feel that love.”

And the same is true for friendship.

As it is true for marriages and all relationships.

It’s so easy for me to feel warm, loving thoughts about friends or family members… and then go on about my day, never reaching out, sending a text, or setting a date to connect.

I think about them all the time, pray for them, and watch the details of their lives spool out over Facebook—first day of school photos, last moments of summer photos. I feel connected and warm, full of affection for these lovely people.

But how on earth would they know that?

Anyway, back to that original conversation in the car about the person who’s good at showing love and the one who’s not so good at showing it.

We were on our way to a birthday party for me, and after dinner each person toasted my birthday and said one kind word about me. The not-so-good friend blew my mind, saying something so lovely and sweet and meaningful, something that I had no idea she felt about me.

How often is that happening in our lives? The things we feel about one another so often go unexpressed, because we’re busy or thoughtless, assuming they know, assuming it’s more than clear.

Is it?

Since that day I’ve been noticing all the times that I think loving thoughts about the people in my life… and then produce no corresponding action to show that love.

Since that day, I’ve sent more texts and emails, a couple old-fashioned letters. I’ve scheduled a walk and a coffee and a dinner. I’ve looked people in the eye and said, “I love you. I’m thankful for you.”

Because at the end of the day, Aaron’s professor is exactly right: It doesn’t matter how much you love someone. What matters is that they know it.

So let’s do it: who are you going to show love to today? Text, email, phone call, love letter. What would being good at being a friend look like in your life today?

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Shauna Niequist

This is a post by Shauna Niequist, one of the Storyline Contributors. Pick up a copy of her latest book, Present Over Perfect here and make sure to follow along on Twitter (@sniequist) for regular updates. To read more of her posts on the Storyline Blog, click here.

James Small

Great post. Some people play golf and some waterski or shop. I choose to spend my free time and in between time remembering my friends and new friends. Thru calls, emails, text, and stopping by their work, home, when in their area. Not every time I’m there, but every few years. In announced too! No way to schedule it. I might stay on average of 5-10 minutes. No it not enough, but they know I made the effort to hug them and look them in the eyes, and remember them. That is what counts. If you wait to schedule a 2 hour talk over a meal of something — then I will visit 30-80 people to your 1. That is the difference.
- Mark
  
  “If you wait to schedule a 2 hour talk over a meal of something — then I will visit 30-80 people to your 1”. What does this mean thanks
  - James Small
    
    Mark, I was not to clear. I know plenty of people who wait for their schedule. Who think that a get-together with a friend requires a 2 hour slot preferably on a Saturday. So by the time they get together with that 1 friend for. 2 hours . . . I’ve had 30 conversations of various lengths and various depths. There is no questions in any of my friends minds that I pursue them, care for them and lay myself on the various lines for them. — Mark… Does that help?
Sherri G

Totally love this! Thank you for reminding me to put actions to my thoughts
JD

I just sent off 4 text messages to buddies from college that impacted my life greatly. We hardly ever see each other even though we still live in the same city. I still care deeply for them but never show it. Thanks for the post, I’m scheduling coffee with them as I type this…
- Brenda Ellis
  
  I need more friends like you
gretchen

Very convicting and comforting, all at once. I’m not alone in either/both camps.
Hope Sutton Schaefer

Great call to action . I recently read a great question that I need to learn the answer to from my family and friends…”what do I do that makes you feel loved ? “. I want to be intentional about loving them!
Chadwick Anderson

Seriously. Great reminder, and one thing my wife has continued to challenge in me for many years. 🙂 Thanks!!!
Emily Roth

Thank you for this reminder. I completely relate to your story. Whenever someone takes the time to say hello or send a note just for the sake of it, it makes my day. Because of how those actions impact me, I try harder to do the same for my friends and make sure they know how I feel. It’s such a simple idea but often overlooked.
Caylee Pugh

It’s so hard to keep in touch sometimes, but you’re SO right about how important it is, Shauna. I think for me, being the first person to reach out to a friend makes me feel very vulnerable. But what is real friendship if not to actually connect? Thanks for the reminder 🙂
Kristen Howerton

Such a good reminder. So guilty of failing to reach out and assuming things are known.
Tammy

Great words of wisdom. Love that goes unexpressed isn’t very fruitful!
Holly

I recently lost a wonderful friend of 34 years. My heart broke. A loss of that magnitude certainly increased my awareness of my other dear friends. I tend to nurture relationships but this made me reach out even more. When I discovered August 3 was National Friendship Day I posted about it hoping to inspire others to action as well. http://yakkityyaktalkingback.com/2014/07/26/national-friendship-day-celebrate-fabulous-friends/#more-186
Bill

ISIS beheading of journalist show us how the Three Abrahamic religions Christianity, Judaism and Islam feel about anyone with a different way of thinking
- MamboItaliano
  
  -_-
Nita

Thanks for reminding me to tell those in my life something good, you know you feel it but to busy about your own business, or sometimes afraid to say it. A wonderful reminder don’t wait until am gone to say I love you!
LJ

Another thing is to let friends know you care for them in a way they can understand. Not everyone puts value in hastily scribbled notes or gifts. Some prefer a telephone chat, a walk in the park, or help with a project. Some prefer talk, some silence. Sometimes a special dinner to show love, ends up being seen as a display of wealth, whereas a hand-written note would have conveyed the right meaning. I think that is what sometimes stops me from reaching out to friends. but I agree with the article and the other commentators: Don’t let that stop you from reaching out. Just do it and keep trying to improve as you pay attention to your relationship with your friends.
Liz Flaherty

What a great post, and what a good way to get us thinking. Thank you!
Elizabeth Mayberry

Love this!
MaryBeth Pearson

I respectfully submit that you can be a good friend without constant contact. Maybe I am just someone who doesn’t need constant affrimation. My friends know I care for them because they know my character. I can pick up the phone and talk to a friend I haven’t talked to in a month like I just saw her yesterday. Not everyone is like this of course, but I think that assuming that your friend doesn’t care about you because they don’t constantly contact you is doing them a disservice. You should make efforts to stay in touch of course, but if circumstances don’t allow it, be more confident in yourself and in your relationship. Think the best of them and don’t call them “not so good” friends because they don’t meet your expectations. Just my opinion, I am not judging anyone.
- Devin
  
  I agree to an extent with what you are saying, but I have had friends who want me to contact them, but they don’t contact me. It goes both ways, and I shouldn’t always be the one to have to make the initiation. And when I don’t, they will say something like, “how come you haven’t texted me?” Ummm…
  - MaryBeth Pearson
    
    You are absolutely right. You should not always have to do the contacting. It should go both ways. That is why I love many of my friends, because we can not talk to each other for a month, and pick up right were we left off. We need to relax more and believe the best about our friends and not hold them to our expectations. Next time your friend asks why you didn’t text him, just say that the phone works both ways!
    - Devin
      
      I’ve said that on numerous times to the same person and they still don’t get it. So I stopped texting her through out the week. And I’m OK with it.
      - MaryBeth Pearson
        
        Some people are just like that. They take without giving. A cooling off period could be beneficial.
- Amanda
  
  I agree with you (100% agree with not calling someone a “not so good” friend because they aren’t meeting expectations we may have set for them), but I think all relationships have a different definition of “constant” contact. I think touching base with someone once a month, when you can pick up as though no time has passed is priceless (I am so appreciative for my friendships like this!). On the other hand, I know I have some friends who it is important to them that we keep in contact more often than that, and that’s okay with me because they are important to me.
  I think that’s where the effort to stay in touch comes in. If you basically do. not. hear. from someone for several months or years, I think it is disheartening. I am not necessarily someone who needs affirmation, and I just kind of go along and do my thing, but I know it is so nice to hear from someone out of the blue who I haven’t heard from in awhile, so I try to be that for others 🙂
- Helen Wheells
  
  I have many “friends” who say “I am such a bad friend!” all the time and you know what? They are. I saw one 4 hours out of the whole year of 2014. They ask for favors, I help out and then I don’t hear from them. Unless they want something, I never hear from them. Doesn’t seem to matter how long we have known each other either. No invites for bday parties, graduations, weddings, etc. I stopped “chasing” these friends with phone calls and emails. It hurts to know that we have fallen away.
  
  I have very few true friends. It would be nice to see them more or even talk more, but people have lives and people get busy. I have more of an open schedule, they do not. I’m lucky if I see a friend once a month.
  
  I don’t need affirmation, I just need to be and feel connected. Words and actions prove that to me more than anything.
- MamboItaliano
  
  Amen sista! I am a 20-year AF veteran and if I kept in touch with and was the “DO” friend for everyone I’ve met around the world, I wouldn’t be able to pee. I am not a constant affirmation person either and my friends know that and frankly they are relieved that I am a very low-maintenance friend. I have one friend who is an extrovert and the more people in her life the happier she is…I just can’t handle that. We are all different but is surely does not negate the gesture of reaching out and letting friends know they are thought of and loved. Great post.
Christy Campbell

I can do alright with texting, emailing, etc but I’m more prone to fail on the ‘showing’ love bit. Sometimes I need to remember that love extends beyond the bounds of a handful of words and encompasses things like dropping off a meal, making time in my day to be interrupted or even cleaning toilets.
browneyedgirl

I think there’s another layer to being a good friend – being willing to do the unfun stuff. Though I’m not always great at sending the first text (something I’m working on), I am often the first to volunteer to help a friend move or paint their apartment, give a ride to the airport, and I won’t flake if I say I’ll be there. I’ve had several friends tell me that I’m a really “good friend” because of the little stuff – just being reliable and wanting to lend a hand.
Clare

I love your point of view. I think that it is important to maintain friendships, and I’m a big believer in “doing”! Sometimes you have to let people go, though. Check this out: http://liveclarelesleyblog.com/2014/08/20/growing-out-of-friends/
Mélie C.

I really liked your article so I translated it in French in my blog to allow my non-english-speaking friends to read it. I hope it’s not a problem for you. https://lespetitsbonheursdemelie.wordpress.com/2015/02/25/ce-que-lon-pense-de-nos-amis-na-pas-dimportance/
Brenda Ellis

Fakebook widow. I had a best friend who has written me off, to live virtually ever after on Fakebook. She stopped talking to me because I prefer face to face personal conversations and two-way phone calls, to plastering the personal details of my life online for long-lost acquaintances. People who have no need to gawk at an intimate pictorial of my weekend with my kids. For a friendship to end this way is ridiculous. I’ve reached out many times, but she seems to no longer comprehend how to be present in the moment. Instead, she is completely obsessed with selfies and her public persona. I always thought she was one of my closest friends, but I guess I was wrong.
Rhoda Mullet

Beautifully inspiring for connection…. Thanks for sarong your heart!
Sondra Rush

This was a great post. Thanks, Shauna! I do want to add, that sometimes because of an individual’s relational brokenness they may not know how to always express their feelings or may have many lies or fears in their head that keep them from doing so. It is no excuse, but I thought I would throw it out there. That is another reason why I am grateful for people like you and how you use your voice to encourage and call others into better things.
Mark

I think the point of this article which some people have missed is not about the contact we have with people – it is about the message. Do we really tell people how important they are in our lives? I suspect we mostly don’t. And we should not say people know. We don’t. I would love someone reaching out to me which is exactly what I am going to do now.
Derek Harvey

I love this! My wife’s love language is words of affirmation and she’s great at this…I however, am terrible at it. But this reminder is so good for me. I will do better! Starting now…texting my Dad…