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Five Principles of Civil Dialogue

Donald Miller

by Donald Miller

Back when I was hanging out at Reed College, I was pleased to be in an environment where truth mattered more than ego, or rather where people didn’t associate their identity with their ideas. What I mean is, finding truth was more important than being right. And because finding truth was more important than being right, students were able to learn.

Photo Credit: Sasha Kohlmann, Creative Commons

Photo Credit: Sasha Kohlmann, Creative Commons

At Reed, discussing a philosophical or even scientific idea around a conference table did not look like a debate. Rather, it looked like a group of students attempting to put together a jig-saw puzzle. If a piece didn’t happen to fit, that was par for the course. You simply set it aside and worked together to make progress.

When we begin to associate our ideas with our identities (I am good because I am right) we lose the ability to be objective. And rather than learning to learn, we simply learn to defend.

To be certain, there are basic truths we must defend, but we don’t defend these ideas from our egos.

Dr. Henry Cloud says that truth must go hand in hand with grace in order to be effective. There must be truth, but there must also be acceptance, regardless of whether somebody disagrees. This methodology frees the person to make an objective decision. When we become angry or condescending we take the truth and wrap it in a toxic-candy shell and get frustrated when people don’t like it. Truth wrapped in grace is more easily digested.

So my question is, do you take it personally when somebody disagrees with you? Here are some things I try to remember when engaging in a conversation in which there are differing opinions:

1. Truth is not My Truth, it’s Just Truth:

My ideas were not really my invention. Even if I was the first person to consider an idea, it’s still something I stumbled upon. I shouldn’t take it personally when somebody doesn’t agree. They aren’t rejecting me, they are rejecting an idea.

2. Methodology is Part of the Message:

When I get defensive and then condescending, what I associate my ideas with an offensive subtext, and that association is very strong to the hearer. Imagine having a conversation with somebody who has terrible breath, standing there and smelling their putrid hot air as they talk. It’s the same with your attitude toward somebody when you’re discussing an idea.

3. Without a Loving Heart, I am Like a Clanging Cymbal:

If I don’t genuinely care about the people I’m talking to, I’ll be received like a guy standing there clanging cymbals together. The Bible makes a strong connection between a persons heart and their tongue. We tend to think we talk with our tongues alone, but the Bible says we talk with our tongues and our hearts. Corinthians 13: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

4. The Other Person has Sovereignty:

Even if I think the other person is completely wrong, they have a right to their beliefs. I can simply state what I believe and do so in kindness and that’s really it. If I’m trying to bully somebody into my way of seeing things, I’m not respecting the sovereignty of the person I am talking with.

5. I Could be Wrong:

What we most want from the person we are talking to is for them to see things from our perspective and agree. That being said, though, are you willing to see things from their perspective? If not, try listening to their perspective then repeating it back to them. Ask them if you got it right, and if you did, say you will think about it. Then present your idea, too, and ask them if they understand your position. To be honest, they may not be as open as you, but once the conversation is over, I assure you they will have a new respect for you, and believe me, they will consider your ideas more respectfully. And besides, the truth is they could be right.

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Donald Miller

Donald Miller

Donald Miller has been telling his story for more than a decade, now he wants to help you tell yours. He’s helped over 1,000 companies clarify their message through the StoryBrand Workshops. For an introduction to what he’s doing now, check out the 5 Minute Marketing Makeover.

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  • THEyardpilot

    Time to sit around in Lotus chanting money hums.

  • John Miller

    Solid stuff. Immense weight should be placed on the possibility that we could, in fact, be wrong. Through my eyes, the there may be no cloud in the sky–but if I took a step to the left I could see a cumulus stealthily hidden behind a tree. Being open to changing our perspective helps.

    One thing I tell myself when disagreeing with someone is, “Their viewpoint is a legitimate way of looking at the situation.” Whether or not I understand their point of view, I remind myself not to think they’re crazy (and better yet, don’t tell them they’re crazy). There is a reason they think this way. It may be flawed, but it might be fantastic. Try to see it that way, too.

    • Stephen Johnson

      These are great points. I agree that we need a new way to discuss and challenge beliefs in our attack-mode culture. That being said, there is a time and a place to simply state that some things are wrong. In response to John’s comment, I simply suggest while all viewpoints are legitimate, not all opinions are. What I mean is that, from where someone is standing (their viewpoint), they may still draw incorrect conclusions (their opinion). It is totally appropriate to say that someone is wrong. We must be very humble not to jump to this conclusion right off, but there does come a point where we must call falsehood what it is.

      I’m not saying John is arguing against this. I’m just adding a further dimension to his comment.


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