What Profanity Is Costing You As A Communicator

Just last week I was scheduled to give a keynote presentation to a group of officers from a multi-billion dollar corporation. My job was to explain how story worked in screenplays and then explain how major corporations were using Hollywood plot structures in their marketing campaigns.

This is a talk I’ve given more than few times and it always goes well. But one part of the talk was bugging me.

You see, in order to give the keynote I break down the movie Moneyball, showing 7 critical scenes in which specific movement happens in the plot. All that’s fine, but what was bugging me was one of the scenes had profanity in it.

Normally, this wouldn’t bother me.

We all hear profanity at the movies and on television all the time. But in a room full of executives? Would there be consequences?

Would anybody be offended?

Luckily, I happened to be having lunch in the hotel restaurant when I noticed one of the executives sitting across the room, reading the paper. I stopped over and sat down and we caught up on life, then I asked him what he thought about showing that scene.

He was grateful I asked.

Even though he thought nobody would be truly offended, he wondered whether there was any way to cut that word out. I told him I could find out and do everything I could and he felt that would be best. As we talked, though, we uncovered the real reason I shouldn’t take the chance. And here’s what it was:

Showing the scene risked making me, the presenter, look immature and unprofessional.

It turns out it wasn’t the offensiveness of the word that would have gotten me into trouble, it would have been the fact I was willing to play fast and loose with proper business etiquette, which would have made me look bad.

I’ve plenty of friends who use profanity or off-color jokes in their writing.

They do so because they believe it will set them apart. I understand the temptation. But the reality is it has a downside. In the long run, people are looking for somebody they can trust. Getting a laugh or a gasp may make us feel powerful or influential, but that roller coaster high is most often followed by a dip.

I ended up cutting the profanity out of the clip and I assure you nobody missed it.

And nobody was distracted from the point I was trying to make either, a point that ended up hitting a home run with the group. Lesson learned.

Always choose long-term professionalism over short-term attention. (tweet this)

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Donald Miller

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Lawrence W. Wilson

So true, and a good reminder. I recall hearing comedian Jerry Seinfeld say that he “worked clean” not because he was offended by profanity but because using it was too often a sloppy way of reaching for a laugh.
- Sandy_TheScoopOnBalance
  
  I thought of Jerry Seinfeld, too.
Clint

Stand-Up comedians who don’t use profanity or crude sexual jokes are much more impressive to me, and it shows that they’re good at what they do. And “comedy movies” over the last decade have gone down hill fast. They all rely on sexual humor, drugs, and ridiculous profanity to be funny. If the plot, characters, and dialogue of a movie aren’t funny without profanity – they were probably never really that funny to begin with.

Fingers crossed we see a shift in the art of mainstream comedy.
Peter Walters

I was speaking with a man one day who I did not know and before we parted he told me a joke, swore at me and sent me on my way. I drove away thinking why would he think that language was appropriate at any time but even more so because he did not even know me.

I wish people would take your lead and consider how their language may affect others. Bad language certainly doesn’t impress me.
- John Spencer
  
  Why are you assuming that the language is “bad?” Why are you assuming that the person using it was attempting to impress you? Chances are they were simply speaking in a way that they would always speak.
  - Peter Walters
    
    Hi John,
    
    Dude dropped the F bomb on me and I don’t think that was proper.
    - John Spencer
      
      Was the F bomb an insult or was it used in speech? The intent matters. If he used it as an insult, then, yeah, it makes sense to be offended. If he used it casually, that’s a little different.
      
      People often do things that are socially inappropriate. Some pass gas on accident. Some talk too long. Some are close talkers. Some use bad grammar. I’m thinking that we, as Christians, should probably be slow to judge based upon a social faux pas. What he did wasn’t sinful, even if it broke the rules of propriety governed by social norms.
      - Ruth
        
        I would not have guessed you are a Christian by your comments.
      - Chris
        
        The problem is that you are conflating “judgement” with “discernment”. No one is saying anything about someone’s motives. It is no different than saying “stealing is wrong” even though some people steal out of desperation or to feed their family. Stealing is still wrong, regardless of the intent. It’s just that the greater wrong is whatever reason it got to that point in the first place.
        
        Especially if you are a Christian, you cannot just argue “intent” above all else…
Trae Castles

This is great, Donald. Thanks for sharing!
Sean Palmer

The fallout from historic legalism is that we deal primarily in two categories: right and wrong. There is a third, perhaps even more important one: appropriate. It’s too often missed.
- Living Liminal
  
  Nicely said!
Leo Longoria

Sometimes I think using profanity can be useful but the overuse can be annoying. There have been a few times that I’ve thought the use of a profane word has humanized the person making the speech and allowed me to feel more in tune with the message being given.
Craig

Interesting. In grad school I had a professor that occasionally used profanity to get a cheap laugh in class. The irony is that he was one of the best professors I have ever had and quite funny without the profanity.
Vincy

There’s almost a desperateness that accompanies profanity, especially when someone uses it in a professional setting. Thank you for speaking up on this, Don!
- John Spencer
  
  That’s not always true. There’s often an authenticity to it. Too often, when things are “cleaned up” it misses portraying the context accurately.
Craig Larmour

A wise friend of mine would often remind that that swearing is a lazy man’s way of being emphatic.
AM

I’ve read over this, really trying to process what you’re saying. Perhaps in a speech it’s bad etiquette (I can understand this). Do you feel it compromises your integrity?

In everyday life 80+% of those I’m around swear; I don’t think much about it. As far as using it in writing, I’m not sure its an attempt to ‘set-yourself-apart’ as much as utilizing normal conversation techniques.
Read an article yesterday where the writer said bullsh*t…emphasis was spot on and perfectly placed. I actually appreciated it (was exactly what I was thinking).
Hmmm
Jacob

As a student studying film I often see young screenwriters who overuse profanity or inappropriately use it for characters who would not speak that way because they think it makes them more credible. The funny thing is that it doesn’t at all. Yes sometimes you have a character or situation that needs this language. (I believe the specific scene in moneyball you are referring to uses it well) but most often it doesn’t fit. A good writer learns to use anything that may be shocking or controversial only when absolutely necessary. When we don’t we find ourselves with a bunch of powerful language and events that have lost their power. This is a great article Don I couldn’t agree more.
John Spencer

Profanity has two historical roots: Christian legalism and social class elitism. The notion of “vulgar” language hangs around even when the notion of a codified set of curse words has no Biblical basis. Your claim that this language makes us look immature and unprofessional only perpetuates the residual elitism at both a religious and socioeconomic level. I wish we could get past this and simply use the language that best expresses the mood and the message. It’s in moments like this that I miss the Donald Miller of Blue Like Jazz. I have a hunch he would have said, “Fuck it. Play the clip as the artist intended.”
- brianasher
  
  Lovely diatribe, but you simply missed the point of his message. Ironically, you didn’t use any “vulgar” language of your own, because you probably understood it would undermine your credibility.
  - John Spencer
    
    There’s a time and a place for cuss words. I don’t think they should be peppered into any sentence. In that respect, it’s like using “like” as a filler. However, Miller makes it sound as though cuss words are a sign of immaturity or a cheap laugh. They have a place. Chances are, within that movie clip, they had a place as well.
    
    I don’t think my credibility would be lost if I used a cuss word, though. It might have been slightly out of place, but I don’t think it would have ruined my credibility.
    - Chris
      
      Unfortunately, curse words have connotations just like racial epithets. They have a history. Just like someone can speak a curse word without intending the kind of vitriol that another person might habitually impart into their cursing, someone can also say words like “nigger” without the negative intention. After all, doesn’t it just mean “black person”? However, it is still disrespectful to use racial slurs, and it still lacks perspective to think they are “just like any other word.”
      
      To ignore the negative social connotations of curse words as being just “personal preference” and that those offended by them should just “get over it” while simultaneously recognizing that racial slurs can be offensive and are also unprofessional, is really just intellectual dishonesty when you get down to it.
      
      In contrast to the famous George Carlin skit where he basically insinuates that certain words are deemed “bad” arbitrarily, the fact is that these words are NOT arbitrarily decided to be bad. They have a history, and many, many people have personal history with them as being words used by angry people to communicate anger or to denegrate, just like racial slurs. Carlin’s assumption was wrong.
      - John Spencer
        
        Curse words don’t have the same connotations as racial slur words and often because of intent. Saying, “oh shit” is not the same as using a slur word, mostly because of the intent.
      - Chris
        
        You mean, “they don’t have the same connotations to you”?
        
        Really though, I already addressed the point in what I said. It has nothing to do with intent. Intent doesn’t trump all else in a society that is expected to get along with each other. The whole POINT is that it isn’t just about YOUR sensibilities. That is a very self oriented way to justify things.
        
        And plenty of people use racial slurs all the time without a “bad intent”. If you didn’t know that, perhaps I have just been around more than you have.
- Andy Traub
  
  Saying you miss the Donald Miller of Blue Like Jazz is dumping on the Donald Miller of May 15,2014. It’s the same guy in a different part of his story. If you like that Don then go read the book again but throwing him under the bus on his blog, while allowed, is pretty lame. Sorry I don’t have bigger words to describe how I feel but hopefully you get the point.
  - John Spencer
    
    Perhaps that’s true. I’m just saying that his approach has changed and there’s something lost along the way.
- Michael Durbin
  
  The problem with your opinion, is that the Donald Miller of Blue Like Jazz wasn’t speaking to the executives at a billion dollar corporation. This was the Donald Miller who’s sphere of influence has exploded due in part to his success as a New York Times Best Seller. I would bet that 90% of the people in this room probably didn’t have a clue that Blue Like Jazz even exists. A communicator, whether a comedian, motivational speaker, pastor, teacher etc… always considers his or her audience. In doing so, he was correct in asking the advice of an executive of a billion dollar corporation because thats was his target audience on that day. Im sure if he were to be speaking to a group of authors ranked at about # 500,000 in Amazons Best Seller List, he wouldn’t ask the opinion of the executive. He would ask the opinion of someone within that sphere of influence. And vice versa…
  - John Spencer
    
    I understand that and you might be right. I just think that censoring a movie clip *or a set of clips) against the artist’s original intent is disingenuous.
- Marcy
  
  I can guarantee you that by you calling yourself a Christian, yet still using profanity has made people lose faith in you, and in the idea of being a Christian, even if you don’t realize it.
  
  You know how I know this? Because my husband (who was never in a church in his life) is bothered by the “professing Christians” at his job. While my husband happily swears away, and he’s perfectly fine with any and all other sinners doing it too–it’s bothers him when he hears the “Christians” do it. He says “That doesn’t seem very Christian to me”. A non-Christian knows inherently that it’s wrong. That should tell you everything you need to know about whether a “Christian” should swear or not.
  
  Colossians 3:8
  But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
  
  James 3:6
  And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
  
  Matthew 15:18
  But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
  
  Luke 6:45
  A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil; for of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaketh.
Mike Moore

I find that careful, proper use of profanity makes people accept what is being said as more honest, open, sincere, vulnerable and from the heart. And I find any setting in which profanity isn’t being used is generally a setting in which appearance is all.
John Richardson

When you aren’t sure of your audience, it’s always best to err on the side of professionalism. I think what Don did was the best in the given situation. As a fiction writer, I’ve struggled with this with my characters. At first, I tried removing all bad language and replacing it with gosh darn and other milder replacements. I found that that didn’t work at all. Then I just tried leaving out all expletives and exclamations in my dialog. That didn’t work either. Real people just don’t have conversations that way. I finally came up with a set of words that I won’t use (the F word and religious expletives) and then try to make my dialog as real as possible, given the character in question. You’ll never find my books in a Christian bookstore, but hopefully my characters come across as they would in real life.
- Chris
  
  The question is, would “real people” be less likely to swear if they weren’t constantly bombarded by it? That is, what is the effect of the speech we use around other people, and what is the effect of the media we put out there? A further question is, is it counterproductive to not watch your tongue in private and then have to watch it in public? Are we not creatures of habit? Real people sometimes insult each other as well, or use racial slurs. Clearly those are not things to lift up.
  
  And while I disagree that all “real people” swear (because that is simply not true), you could always have a person or people in a story that come off as angry and swear a lot and then at some point they realize they need to try to be better (nothing like a dynamic character, right?). You could always have people that just occasionally swear and when they do, they have an inner monologue where they tell themselves to be better about not doing that. You could have a character that swears a lot and a character that doesn’t and contrast the two. Just some thoughts.
  - John Richardson
    
    I use a lot of contrast in my stories and I find it helpful to show cause and effect. Language and actions are a way to show who a character really is. Bad people use coarse language and do bad things. To try and completely write around that is very difficult and disingenuous. That being said, I think you can get a point across with an occasional use of language. Filling a book or presentation with constant expletives definitely cheapens the content. Authors like John Grisham and David Baldacci often use language for effect, but keep it to a minimum. That makes their dialog more interesting and emotion filled.
  - Jacob
    
    I once had a very wise language teacher at a wonderful christian school who said “Many people don’t swear because they are bad people or trying to be so, many people swear because they weren’t privileged enough to be able to learn a better vocabulary” As a christian college student working in low income areas and writing on the side I find this to be more and more true. I have met some very God fearing men who truly don’t have any better words to use at times. Swearing is something that is a bad habit but it is also a social construct.
Jen Moff

I have actually started swearing electronically after purposefully abandoning it for some time. The controlled circumstances that written communication allows us can create a false self for the world to see. I do not disagree with Don crafting a speech for a specific audience. That is rule number one when creating a presentation. The motive for doing so (for myself) is never for attention or a cheep, relevant “look at me” tactic. It’s about conveying who I am electronically as I am one-on-one in everyday life. People in my life respect me and trust me, and in essence it makes me MORE credible because I am being my authentic self. Being authentic and vulnerable are values I hold dear to my heart and I have to live with myself everyday, no one else does. Anyone that knows me, can tell you I wish no one any ill will, or hurt or harm or disrespect.

As per always, we can’t ever assume to understand someone elses heart AND the frustration or disrespect or idea that one looses credibility is based on the judgment of the individual and their beliefs and projections. We give power to words, that is called semantics.
- Marcy
  
  “Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs.” -Pearl Strachan Hurd
  
  “Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble.” -Yehuda Berg
  
  http://www.askingsmarterquestions.com/words-have-the-power-to-change-our-lives/
Cody V.

bad christian has an interesting take on swearing, worth listening to their story badchristian.com
Steve

As a high school teacher I had permission to show a PG-17 movie “Medicine Man” to my students. The movie used the “F” word once. Although not required to, I managed to cut the word out but you could still see Sean Connery’s mouth move. When the students in the first two classes saw that, it created a slight commotion over what he said. I accidentally showed the uncut version to the third class and there was no response. I showed that version to the rest of the classes with no response. Sometimes trying to avoid an issue calls more attention to it.
- Jacob
  
  good point man.
Jeremy B

One thing a communicator can never control is how his message is received. Even if your intent is good, it’s all a matter of how it is perceived.

So what does this have to do with curse words? I think what Don is saying is a sign of maturity. When how we communicate becomes less about us and more about who we are talking to then we understand the value of our words and message. Curse words are offensive to some people. Whether they are to you or not doesn’t matter. In the context of the message and audience, choose your words carefully as it shows you care about the people you are talking to.

In your personal life, use whatever words you want. When you have an audience, choose words that consider other people. Bottom line – this isn’t about curse words. It’s about being thoughtful and mature enough to choose the right words to say in your message because you care about the people you are talking to.
Jim Work

I fall on the side of John Spencer. I don’t feel so much as this is about dropping an “F “bomb or what ever curse word that was there. The fact that Donald decided to change another artist’s work to suit his purpose is just wrong. Was that the only scene he could find to fit the situation? I feel that Donald should have worked a little harder to find the clean scene he wanted and not just censor a scene to fit his purpose. Sorry, that is not just wrong it comes close to illegal in a copyright violation of the artist’s work.
My 2ç….
Bob Cleveland

I made up my mind several decades ago that I would not longer say those words. I just won’t use them, won’t allow them on my computer screen … I block them if someone’s comment of link features profanity, and I won’t read them if they’re in a quotation or something of that sort. It’s just easier that way, when it’s a pre-made decision.

Not for anybody else, or their opinion, or some sort of “protecting my witness”. I simply do not want to, as I don’t think God wants me too, either.
Captain Blackbush

Why not use a clean movie to illustrate your point? Why change someone else’s art to suit your own profiteering? Did you get permission from the filmmaker to use their work as the centerpiece of your speech or inform them that you were deleting content to suit your audience? Were these business executives little children unable to process adult language and content?
- salsaman
  
  I agree– editing the scene compromised its integrity and, by extension, the presenter’s. Clearly, Mr. Miller was not the creator of the scene, but by editing it for content in the name of “professionalism,” he passes judgement on and degrades the professionals who did create it.
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nocomment

Fuck that.
Tony Barros

If you’re a Christian, well, I am guessing that you have respect for the word of God and are not as numbers of so called Christians that I have encountered through my life and when preaching the Good News of the One true God who is Love, self proclaimed and so called Christians that does not even know what the Bible is.

However, I am going to assume that you’re a Christian who treasures and Respects the Bible as the Word of the One true God as Sacred and TRUTH John 17:3, 17. You, see John one of the reason that we as true Christians should not use profanity in our communication is because it saddens the spirit of God and it flees from us and another spirit makes its descent upon us – Mt 26:31; Eph 2:2-3; 4:30; John 4:16.

My question to you is as a Christian that you affirm to be, and I am nobody to doubt your words, when you say so… which spirit would you want to be present in you, that of God which is Love or that of the world which is common and beyond repugnancy because its vile yet, pitiful for its Destructive, because it is pathetic and pointless – Mt 25:41: Re 12:12?
TheMadTurtle

I appreciate and agree with the sentiment, but I think you’re missing one crucial aspect here – know your audience. You clearly did and made the right call in this case, but I don’t think it’s a universal truth to say that using profanity always costs you something. In fact, I’d say that, in certain audiences, not using it costs you something.

For example, I’ve been known to run with some “rough and tumble” crowds in the past – mostly a crowd of car enthusiasts that wouldn’t be seen in a church – a rat rod kind of crowd. Now, I’m not saying that I swore all the time around them, but I was genuine and, if the context warranted it, I didn’t choose NOT to swear. I believe I was able to witness the love of Christ to some of these guys and, if I had been overly concerned about my language, that may have hindered me.

I guess the gist is to be real and know the people you’re with. Profanity, hell…it just might help lead some people to Christ. 😉
Amy

Maybe I don’t get the context, but doesnt the professional perception it really depend on the audience? And what’s this about “looking bad”? Again, there’s a lack of context to justify your meanings.