I Fear. I’m good at it.
I fear you. I fear me. I fear God. I fear grace. I fear truth. I fear rejection. I fear the unknown.
So you know what I do with that fear?
I turn it into all sorts of ugly things. Mostly I turn it to worry.
This weekend my wife found a weird lump. She went to the doctor and had it checked and is going back on Wednesday to have it checked again. The doctor said it is a “somelongwierdwordidontknowhowtoprononce”. She said most women get them at some point in their lives.
I didn’t think twice.
But you know what happened tonight?
I let my fear sneak up on me. Out of the blue, after 3 days of not thinking twice about, it snuck up on me like white on rice.
When I picked Heather and the kids up from Joy’s tonight I was suddenly obsessed with the lump again.
What did the doc say again? What is she doing on Wednesday? When will the labs be back? What did she say before she said that thing she said before the first thing?
Heather looked at me like I was nuts.
She had a piece of prescription paper with the lump’s name on it.
When I got home she knew what I was dead set on doing. I went straight into the kitchen and grabbed that little paper. I sat on the sofa to open up my laptop and log onto my fear-feeder.
That site can take me down faster than a lipsticked pitbull. But no. Heather was not having it. She told me I was not allowed to look it up. I said I needed to in order to calm my fears.
She called bulls#@!.
So with everything I had in me, I ripped that freaking piece of paper into 1000 little pieces and jammed it into my piehole.
I chewed with a raging pissed-off-ness because I knew I was falling into fear again and was not going to let it take me over. When I got done chewing… it was gone. The paper with the name of her lump, and my worry.
Thank You Lord. Take that you stupid piece of blue paper.